I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Men are as faithful as their options.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.