Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?