I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.