A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

No good deed goes unpunished.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm single because I was born that way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.