There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.