I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.