That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.