Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.