Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.