God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!