Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.