Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.