The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.