In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.