When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.