Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!