I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.