Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.