A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.