I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?