The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!