When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.