One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.