Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.