If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.