There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.