You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!