I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.