I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?