I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.