Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.