I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.