The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.