I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.