May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.