At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.