Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!