There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.