Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.