I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.