Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.