Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.