Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity