Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.