It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.