Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.