Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.