I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.