Women are made to be loved not understood.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.