Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.