Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.