You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!