I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.