I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'