I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.