The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.