Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.