I have nothing to declare except my genius.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.