I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Sex is an emotion in motion.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.