I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.