Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.