I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.