I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.