Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.