I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.