My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.