To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.