Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.