You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
