A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.