No good deed goes unpunished.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.