I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.