A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.