I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm single because I was born that way.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.