Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.