What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.