What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.