Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.