Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.