I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.