He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.