There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.