Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.