You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.