I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.