I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.