By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.