Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.