Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.