Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.