A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.