[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.