If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.