I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.