Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.