I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member