Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.