I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.