I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.