Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!