My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?