When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money