You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.