And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!