I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.