There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.