Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.