I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.