We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.