Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.