I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I drink to make other people more interesting.