A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.