I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.