All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.