I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.