By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.