All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.