Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.