It is better to be alone than in bad company.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.