You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.