I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.