The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.