Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.