Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.