What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.