If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.