He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.