If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.