Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion