Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.