If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.