Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I'm single because I was born that way.