Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.