I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.