Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.