In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.