Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.