Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
