When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.