Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.