If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.