I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.