The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.