Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.