If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.