An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.