I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.