I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.