I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm single because I was born that way.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion