I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.