I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?