The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.