I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.