There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.