Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.