I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money