Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.