Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.