When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.