Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.