Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.