There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.