Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.