A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.