When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.