I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.