Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.