The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.