The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.