Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.