When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.