When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.