It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.