We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.