You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.