Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.