If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.