If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Men are as faithful as their options.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!