Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.