Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Men are as faithful as their options.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.