He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.