The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

No good deed goes unpunished.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money