In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.