You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm single because I was born that way.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.