I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money