I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.