My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.