Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.