It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm single because I was born that way.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!