I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.