This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.