When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.