I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.