Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Men are as faithful as their options.