As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.