I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.