You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.