You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.