Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.