A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Men are as faithful as their options.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.