If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.