Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down