There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.