What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.