The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.