When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.