Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.