I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?