Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.