I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Men are as faithful as their options.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.