It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.