You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.