Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.