Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.