The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

No good deed goes unpunished.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.