When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.