Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.