If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.