Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.