Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.