I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.