When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.