I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.