Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.