If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.