My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!