I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.