It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.