To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

No good deed goes unpunished.