You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.