A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.