Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.