It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.