And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.