Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.