If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.