I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.