Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!