A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.