The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm single because I was born that way.