If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.