Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

No good deed goes unpunished.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.