I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps