One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.