The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.