There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion