If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.