When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.