When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?