Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.