I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm single because I was born that way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.