Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.