There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.