If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.