I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.