When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.