We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.