When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.