I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.