To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.