If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.