I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.