I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.