Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.