The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.