My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.