There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.