Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.