I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.