Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.