There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.