I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.