It is better to be alone than in bad company.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm single because I was born that way.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.