The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.