If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.