I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.