I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.