I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.