I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.