I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.