Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.