By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.