There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.