The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.