I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.