Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.