Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Men are as faithful as their options.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.