Sex is an emotion in motion.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.