A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.