The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.