I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.