I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?