I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Women are made to be loved not understood.