I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.