I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.