Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.