A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.