[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.