I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!