I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.