Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.