If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.