Men are as faithful as their options.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!