Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.