A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.