Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.