If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'