I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.