An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.