Women are made to be loved not understood.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ