Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Men are as faithful as their options.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.