I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.