I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.