When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.