We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.