If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.