It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.