Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.