Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.