The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.