If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.