I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?