I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.